94th Academy Awards Round-Up: One-Liners, Moments, Wins

by B Condon 11:05 PM

E! News is now asking all the party-goers the singular question, "What was your take-away moment of the night" of the 94th Academy Awards and I wouldn't know where to start if that question was directed to me, was it the immaculate pain of folding my hands so hard wishing for The Artist to make a sweep and when I almost broke my knuckles praying for them to win Best Picture?

It happened. Oh yah, it happened.

"If I had 'em, I'd lick 'em. If I had 'em I'd lick 'em.."

You know, people could say all they want that Billy Crystal looked like my grandmother when she got her face-lift, but I thought he was wonderfully old school and hysterical in the inward circles of Hollywood. I love the feeling of inclusion and private jokes so his interaction and makeout with George Clooney and practically sitting on Marty Scorsese's lap as he sang his movie-song he's so well known for. Now that the majority have healed from last years I think we should expect only better hosts, like say, The Muppets?

Hugo did a well-deserved sweep of the aesthetics, which I was a little disappointed but if I had to second a movie next to The Artist, it would have to be Marty's beautiful opus to the process of film making and hard message to preserve old film. As someone who has pondered to go to grad school for the Moving Image Archiving Program, I respect this more than I can say. So yes, the right person in the end won for Cinematography, Art Direction, Sound, Sound Mixing and Visual Effects (although for the latter I was kinda hoping Harry Potter would have a gleaming moment). I had the same thought when Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall won for Best Editing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. On twitter I wrote, "Girl with a Dragon Tattoo was my second choice after the Artist, dark films have great timing." Which they do considering how to create tension so the better man won in the end. Despite all I thought about the discrepancies of disability in the plot, this was the award to win for the movie. Oh and Baxter and Wall's acceptance speech was completely adorable calling Rooney Mara "Roons." Makeup had a surprising win in The Iron Lady and later on in the evening at the press conference backstage Meryl pointed out that movies often win that award for creating monsters and otherworldly things so the fact that they "built a person." Let's just admit the prosthetics were ten times more convincing than Kidman's nose in The Hours.

Zach Galifinakas and Will Ferrell cymbaling Best Song

In the theme of honoring the old Hollywood system and glamour, they attempted to youth up the awards with a Cirque du Soleil performance which took away any chance of the old format where the Best Song nominees would perform. Excuse me, I haven't seen The Muppets yet so seeing Jason Segel and his muppet-friend bust a move would have made my life a little more after sitting through that, although the montage that went on behind the performers looked top notch. I approve of that, at least.

I also approve of the silliness of the short 5 minute sketch including Jennifer Coolidge and others involving the old Hollywood system of the test screening of "The Wizard of Oz" basically ripping every aspect of the film and while it was silly and that darkly repressive humor that begs fascism, I found it hilarious because that repressive humor gets me at times. But I did not enjoy that Crystal treated the definition of test screening like they don't do it anymore. They do -- just with Blackberries and twitter.

"Say I'm Batman"

Again I stress the sadness I feel for the music in the past two years; it was said earlier on today in the pre-Red Carpet show that it would flow better and would also have a sense of "moving along" at an efficient pace, eliminating a majority of the music category was just disappointing. But... at... least... The Muppets... won for Best Song? I ask with large innocent anime eyes. I yearn for the days when there were more than two songs nominated as well as the performances, that was what made the Oscars for me when A.J. Rahman and Florence + the Machine sang a few years ago, that was magical. I'm almost frightened to say if they want to compact the awards they may as well just send out a mass email on blackberries that will leak online and there will be no award show. Ugh, I really don't like that thought. But onto happier things, like Original Score win number three for The Artist. And oddly I didn't cry when The Artist lost out to Midnight in Paris for Best Original Screenplay because well, I like that era Allen wrote but I may or may not have tweeted, "Quick Hazanvicius, grab the statue while you can Woody's not there to see it." But no need, Hazanvicius won for Best Director which I almost broke my knuckles from folding them together so hard in hope. But um... holla that Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash won for The Descendants for Adapted Screenplay, I guess? I had the feeling that movie was rather stale.

Angelina Jolie and her vogue pose.

But I really do not care for the jokes that any host goes on for the Documentary/Foreign/Short Films. They may be smaller and less Western-World approved and popular, but that does not give anyone reason to be teased, especially the harder working people who do the aesthetics or independent movies. I love and hate Hollywood all at once. But after tonight, I will watch all the adult Animated Films that lost to Rango (why I never know) and even Animated Short Film The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore which is available on Itunes for free. And in subdued, yet slightly ignorant, respects to Iran's The Separation as Best Foreign Film and American Iranians who rejoice at their mother-country for winning the country's first film award; it shows I don't go for the munchies during the awards that seem to be "lesser than" the other more popular nominations.

But the other lesser-known film categories won valiantly from the football-addled Best Documentary Undefeated to the heartbreaking plastic surgery (for bad, take notes Hollywood) Best Documentary Feature, Saving Face. But clearly, the topics are so Western World approved, how is it that no one watches them?

"Have fun storming the Fuhrer" (I seriously broke my non-baby water over this one)

But I guess, onto the more "important" nominations and the races that I also almost break my knuckles over? My palms were so tight against each other as Jean Dujardin toppled both Clooney (who I will say over and over again, you bastard, you ARE NOT Cary Grant no matter how many women swoon over you) and Pitt in the Best Actor race. Most of the E! consultants found this a slight surprise, but why? I mean, saying more with just action and facial features is ten times more important than a plot-driven movie. It just shows how much movies are devolving over time. As for Best Actress? I had no expectations because it could have been anyone, but as I heard last year's Best Actor winner Colin Firth give his fifty cents to Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady in their experiences together in Mamma Mia, "We danced, I was gay, we sang..." I knew she had to win. And, the reigning Oscar Nomination Queen finally won her THIRD! Only third? Award. That's still bewildering to me!

 But, the shock wasn't as severe for the Supporting Actor/Actress winners, Christopher Plummer for Beginners which I did see was completely heartbreaking and one of those roles you're surprised that the Academy didn't have a qualm against the fact of a gay male activist role winning. I think it had something to do with "what will you do for the rest of your life if you had a time limit" but done so in a less The Bucket List kind of way.  But the real moment of the night was Supporting Actress winner Octavia Spencer for The Help was so shocked, and so touched by the standing ovation she had a momentary "I can't walk I'm so shocked" as she stood up. That is why we love the Oscars... and when your movie you hope wins a sweep but wins Best Picture instead like The Artist did. May I do a happy dance?