by
2:03 PM
as Batty Koda in "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest"
"Zak, truth doesn't always win friends, but it certainly influences people."
(Robin, since you're in the cosmos, you should hear that I pulled this at
a community college party and everyone knew what I was referencing.
Thank you)
"Delicious and nutritious! Tastes like chicken!"
as Genie in "Aladdin"
 |
| Never fails! You get in the bathtub, and there's a rub at the lamp. |
(But mostly 0:01-0:09 and 0:050-1:03)
Genie: "Quick. Quick, wish for something outrageous. Say, 'I Want the Nile.' Wish for the Nile. Try that."
Aladdin: "Uh, I wish for the Nile."
Genie: "No Way!"
Genie: "I can't help you. I work for Senor Psychopath now!"
As Armand Goldman in "The Birdcage"
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt in "To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything!"
 |
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt: "Oh my God,
I'm like a compass near north."
Noxeema Jackson: "Thank you."
as Himself
from Live on Broadway, 2002
"Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party."
"I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this? [Bends arm in front of his face]" (for twelve years, this shit has stayed with me longer than it should have...)
"Shhh! In Neverland, there's a sign that says, 'You must be this high to ride Michael!'... Obviously the lawyers at HBO are going "FUCK!"" [Pantomimes writing a check]
"Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet."
[On Coco the Gorilla being attracted to him] "Part of me went "could be fun." Make a great story for a bar. "I had a wild night in Vegas." Yeah, well, I banged a gorilla! Where ya goin'?"
"Keith [Richards] is the only man who can make the Osbournes look fucking Amish."
"I'm Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt."
[Channeling Elmer Fudd] "Be very, very quiet, We're wooking for tewwowists." He he he he he he he he."
"When this whole thing [9/11] happened, I thought the Statue of Libery would change. Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me?".
"We will be all dead and gone, but Keith [Richards] will still be there with five cockroaches. He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did ya know that? Fucking crazy..."
[channeling Charlton Heston] "Guns don't kill people.. APES with guns kill people."
"I can see it now: Osama Bin Laden goes up to the gates of Heaven where George Washington comes out, says, "How dare you defile what I have created," and starts whaling on his ass then 70 other members of the Continental Congress come out and start kicking the shit out of him. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my virgins?" "71 Virginians, you asshole!"
from the credit footage of "Waking Sleeping
Beauty" channeling Burgess Meredith
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