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| I look at Nikki Blonsky and actually wish I had that body. |
It's "May the fourth be with you," a little after 9:30 and I'm waiting for the bus to take off - extremely high-exhausted on an iced coffee, barely twitching and having a few tears over a poster I saw tonight at the Union Bar protest, or, what it evolved to as a
sizeism education "protest."
Here's the bones of it
here: Jordan Ramos was discriminated against dancing on a
some-what dangerous platform at Iowa City bar Union Bar, where girls can freely dance on -- well not so freely as the bouncer of the platform said she was "too fat" and "looked pregnant" as these things were said to her face while Ramos's friends and other women have attested, both that night and in the past, having been looked at with that classic male gaze starting from head to toe on being judged who is "pretty enough" to dance on the platform which has recently been taken out for security measures.
While it's never been intentional like the article says, and, if on this infamous night in Ramos's life, the bouncer clarified it was more about a "weight of people" as capacity and not about her body itself, we would not have a problem. But in a blind moment, the allegation of the words of fat and pregnant being used -- it's enough for women and sensitive men to be pissed off at the typical "impossible standards of beauty." Which I'm not planning on listing what these standards are, because any woman knows what they are, unfortunately.
Is it any wonder why these standards exist? Healthy food and workout equipment is expensive, I'd hate to get a little Jamie Oliver here but it's a well known fact for women who take initiative of their own bodies in a healthy lifestyle, whether it is through the standards or for themselves. There's a little sizeism in that, even if it is self induced. So what is the ideal for everyone?
I value those women who work for their bodies because they were truly unhappy with their bodies in a hopeless almost suicidal way for any other reason but the "impossible standards," plus, these women are probably more objective about the topic of sizeism, or how it looks, or maybe insecurity of sizeism itself in straddling that difficult gray line yet hoping not to offend anyone when exercising their opinions. But that's sizeism too.
My Story
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| Ped Mall Protest, May 4th, 2012 |
I have struggled in the past few days since Friday of what the actual goal of this post is to be; and honestly, I can't say a damn thing unless it is an emotional platform for me to tap dance all over. In my view, everyone is OK to dance where ever in the case of Ramos's but I do not care for dancing and people passively aggressively pressure me into doing it. My 30 pound heavier
self did used to dance back when I moved here to Iowa City, having delved into a bar scene only to realize it wasn't my thing -- and then all of a sudden, blank, my body didn't want to dance after
awhile. I deluded myself for
awhile there that it was probably my own body.
Since high school I never had a problem with my body, I was so far within my mind, taking care of my mental health while ADHD and Depression medication was being forced down my throat in trying to figure out what was wrong with me to all the authority figures in my life, including passive-aggressively abusive parents -- a sensitive soul and writer, there is obviously something wrong with that in a rural small town Iowa. I even brought pilates into the unofficial curriculum in physical education because I was fascinated with a low maintenance work out that didn't involve my feeling shaky and sick afterwards. Only once did the wrestlers walk to the room where I and a few other people did the pilates and shouted "You all look like pigs rolling around." I wasn't offended, I laughed at the image. Pigs are happy animals (cut to Rex Harrison's song in Dr. Doolittle).
Coming into college I was able to give my mind a break and it was only after reliving my adolescence and community college, I came into the University of Iowa knowing I wanted to plant my roots here with having more sensitive writerly souls around me. But my shade of sensitive writerly type wasn't around me so I struggled to conform, still body was no issue and I danced and drank mildly. (Spending most of my weekends in my childhood at a family-owned tavern made me null to the bar life so I never went out too often unless I was singing karaoke at the gay bar, still do, just not as often.) I danced, but something made me completely stop. We could say it was insecurity but I'm not entirely sure what it was.
I was a 3 year graduating student of 2009 and had to leave my student job so I had nothing going for me for about a year until the natural progression of things started to come into place Spring 2010. I was allowed to mope in depression for awhile until I stumbled (via tumbler) onto livestrong.com, tried it out for a few weeks. Since that day, weighing 183.6 and cutting out mayonnaise and all dressings and drinking more tea, Green Giant steamed vegetable packs, discovering hula hooping and hoop dance (although I suck at tricks) I have zeroed down to a 143 [But since that happened I've graduated to level 2 of working harder at losing the last ten pounds, fluctuating up and down but it's a work in progress] but most importantly, a size 11/12 and rediscovering my love for fashion and dresses which I discarded when I was a teenager because my mother used to choose my clothes for me (I'm not kidding). But, I've stopped bothering weighing and have went on to measuring my body instead and I still hope to get an inch off of all the areas.
But I've never been attacked for my weight, unless if sizeism is like an abstraction like abuse and you can abuse your own body mentally with expectations, then yes, I have done that to myself -- so there are more than one shade to sizeism. But your mind suddenly changes on these things when on a weekend in your hometown with extended family, most of the weight lost, and your aunt says so gleefully, "It's so great that you have grown into your looks" as if I never had looks before. Ouch.
But I suppose the political question would be: but aren't you adhering to some sort of feminine ideal? Aren't you being sizeist in wanting to shrink up your body a little more? Well, not necessarily, I think as long as your bone structure matches what is filled out, I have no problem with that and if it doesn't, it's your choice I don't judge. As a professional full time woman lover, I in fact love the large boned thicker women -- but for myself, I knew that I wasn't that type of body and I have to work harder to get that perfect ratio of structure and cushion and balance isn't my best forte. And yeah, I suppose I am being sizeist, but like I said earlier, insecurely sizeist. No one is going to agree on everything. I also haven't been in a dancing club lately to really give how I feel about larger people dancing, of which, I would have no problem with that because I would be too busy being lost in my head about the ideology and evolution of dancing and sexuality. Now if you excuse me, Momma needs a cupcake...
Would Marilyn Monroe Get On the Union Bar Platform?
(I really wasn't kidding about that cupcake). On May 4th at the protest, it was a bubbling burst of emotions from this cupcake-eating girl because she saw a poster that made her cry a little. "Would Marilyn Get In?" it asked with this iconic picture with that gorgeous white swim suit. Once more, I can't explain why I got so emotional, maybe after a huge resurgence of Monroe movies, watching Smash religiously and staring at Marilyn long enough to see the real Norma or attempting to find that "it" thing about her, but it was probably because she understood what it was like to be on both ends of this issue.
Yeah her body is as manufactured as her stage name, but I have to wonder more than whether or not if she was allowed to be up on the platform (I would guess yes because her "it"-ness would let her up) is would she find a middle line sizeism in having been both sizes? Does that insight give a person more sensitivity or, dare I say it "special powers?" No, I don't want to think about that that much, but I think it would offer a better insight, on one hand if you're happy and large yet healthy you'll be attacked and on the other, you can be fit, happy in a size 12 skin and just enjoy working out for the adrenaline and the feel-goods you'll still be attacked. I guess I can water this whole post down to that. No one is safe.
So what would make this change? Here's a list.
- Pop culture catching on with a total sweep of not retouching celebrities on magazine (half-check)
- The fashion industry changing the definition of plus size from size 10 to size 18 +
- GIVE WOMEN A GODDAMNED BREAK ALREADY! Men, we are already smarter than you at an earlier age, we can multitask and are less emotional than you -- so stop making yourselves feel like Gods by saying if a woman is fat or unattractive.
- The fashion industry changing certain positions from making a larger woman shrink her body in editorial poses to show off the curves
- The news (entertainment or otherwise) needs to change the rules of journalism, don't give one dimensional stories about the dangers of weight or constant victimization, talk about more good things on the subject instead of "scaring people into health."
- Make models eat cupcakes. (but that's sizeist)
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